Ya know folks, some people think of me as a pathetic shut-in, I consider myself a funny, pathetic shut-in. That's why I've written my
Stuff That Struck Me Funny Page,
The Top Ten Things the Media Hasn't Told You
(10) The Texas heat wave was blamed on Ross Perot leaving Texas and
eliminating nearly 80% of the shade in the state created by his ears.
(9) As a bidding of goodwill after her sexual harrasment case was
dismissed, President Clinton gave Paula Jones a coupon good for a free
grooming at the local Petsmart.
(8) With the recent arrest of Gary Coleman, Diff'rent Strokes now
edges
out Eight is Enough for the most number of cast members with police
records.
(7) The 1998 Gay Games, originally planned to be held in Liberace's
Closet, was moved to Italy to avoid the irony.
(6) The elimination of bilingual education in California schools now
makes graffiti in Southern California easier to read as it is only in
one language.
(5) The closure of New York Adult Oriented Stores operating near
schools and churches now forces police, politicians and clergymen to buy their
porn where everyone else gets it, the local 7-11.
(4) The stain on Monica's Lewinsky's dress was not made by the President
but from sitting in a theater seat in a Times Square porno-theater before the mop guy could clean it.
(3) With the popularity of Viagra, Neilsen ratings report the
audience of Baywatch is down.
(2) Congress embarrassed themselves once again when they mistakenly announced before the floor Jerry Lewis had died, confusing it with the
death of Shari Lewis after reading the information from an Albanian
news and porn site.
And finally......
(1)......
The reasons why viagra is so popular with old people.
(10) It means they don't have to spend all evening watching Murder she Wrote, just to get off on a glimpse of Angela Landsbury's calves.
(9) It makes one part of their body strong and hard unlike the rest of their withered, sagging and fragile limbs.
(8) The pills fit nicely in their pill caddy between their liver pills and their heart pills.
(7) Medicare pays for it.
(6) Viagra can be stored much easier than sticky, soiled, dog-eared copies of Playboy and Penthouse.
(5) Instead of being impotent, arthritic, unable to chew to their own food and near death, they're simply arthritic, unable to chew their own food and near death.
(4) Senior Citizens trafficking viagra illegally into other countries get a much less stiffer *pun* sentence than young un's.
(3) It eliminates the fear of a fatal venerial disease as it will only cut maybe 5 or 10 minutes out of their expected life span at their age.
(2) Using viagra is less messy than trying Aunt Mildred's home remedy for impotance using Vano starch and a number 2 pencil.
and finally the number one reason why viagra is so popular with old people....
(1) Their idea of foreplay is heading over to the mediciene cabinet and complaining about how hard *another pun* the child proof cap is to remove from the bottle.
DarkVortex's Online Conspiracy-O-Rama!!
The John Denver Death Conspiracy: Contrary to published beliefs, John Denver was not 'accidentally' killed in a plane crash, but was murdered by his estranged brother Bob 'Gilligan' Denver.
In the mid 70's a sibling feud between Bob and John turned murderous when Bob exclaimed, "You get on a plane and your dead!". John knew that by telling about Bob's murderous intent, Bob would surely kill John out of impulse.
it was during this time that John wrote the song 'Leaving on a jet plane' as a subliminal cry for help.
The Manel Norigea Complexion Conspiracy: Unbeknownst to most, Manuel's complexion is not the result of years of acne, but is actually a detailed map of his known locations of his stashed contraband.
The CIA knows this and thus, captured Manuel alive to preserve the location of this contraband for their own personal pleasure.
The Yassir Arafat Muppet Conspiracy: It has been known for quite some time that PLO leader Yassir Arafat is not human at all, but actually a muppet createed by the late Jim Henson. As no one would want to be the leader of the PLO, the U.S. Government enlisted the help of Henson Studios to create a 'muppet dictator'.
the conspiracy holds true as we never see Yassir from the waist down, and when we do, he is sitting in an overstuffed chair appropriately sized for a puppeteer.
Hey folks, in the spirit of giving, I'm displaying my X-mas list for all to see!
Donny Osmond VD LP on CD Tickle-Me Strohm Thurman Moe Howard's Nose Hair Collection Sing 'n Snore Madeline Allbright Operation featuring Ted Kennedy Cabbage Patch Ned Beatty
Amtrak Crash 'n De-rail Fun Set Lyin' 'n Cheatin' Bill Clinton Doll TWA Flight 800 Jigsaw puzzle Ted Kazinsky Chemistry Kit Pamela Anderson Silicon Jello Mold
Shake Him Louise Woodward doll Saddam Hussein Torture Me Friday doll Suburban Commuter Diarrhea doll "Blow Me" Fred Flintstone Anatomically Correct Janet Reno Doll
